The Voice That Is Not His

The clock reads 3:14. The red numbers glow in the dark, the only light in the room. You are sitting on the edge of the bed. Your knees are pulled up to your chest. Your arms are wrapped around them, tight, as if you are trying to hold your own body together. The air in the room is still, but your breathing is not. It is shallow. It is fast. Your heart is hammering against your ribs. You are awake, but you do not feel fully present. You are somewhere else. Still, you are in the nightmare again.

You see his face. You hear his voice. It is sharp. It is cold. It is the sound of a door slamming shut. It is the sound of a sentence being passed. You feel the weight of it in your stomach. You feel the heat in your cheeks. And, you want to speak. You want to say something. But your throat is closed. You are afraid. You are afraid that if you open your mouth, the voice that comes out will be his. Now, you are afraid that God will sound like him. You are afraid that if you pray, you will just be talking to the same old storm. So you sit there. You hold your knees. You wait for the morning to come, because the morning is safer than the dark.

The Father's Voice

You are sitting in the dark because the memory lives there. It has a voice, a face, and a weight you have carried for a long time. You have learned to flinch at certain sounds. You have made yourself small so the storm would pass. That was a smart thing to do to survive. It was necessary. But it is not what you were made to do. You are no longer a servant. Galatians 4:7 settles your status, and the Holy Spirit is the one who sets you apart from that old survival mode.

You are not a pattern. You are not a repetition of a wound. You are not the echo of a man who hurt you. You are a new creation. You are a living soul with a voice of your own. The Holy Spirit is breathing into you right now, separating the memory of the man from the reality of the Father. The Spirit is untangling the threads. The voice you hear in your head is not the voice of God. It is the voice of the past. It is the voice of the pain. It is the voice of the fear. God's voice is different. It is not sharp. It is not cold. It is not a door slamming shut. It is a door opening. It is a hand extended. It is a breath that fills your lungs.

You are defined by your present relationship with Christ, not your past. In John 1:12, as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God. This is a legal fact. This is a spiritual reality. You are a child. You are not a slave. You are not a prisoner. You are a son or daughter. A child does not have to flinch. A child can breathe. A child can speak. A child can come to the Father without fear. The Spirit Himself bears witness with your spirit that you are a child of God, Romans 8:16 says. The Spirit reminds you of who you are. The Spirit corrects the lie. The Spirit brings the truth. The Spirit makes the Father's voice clear.

You are not alone in this room. You are not sitting on that edge of the bed by yourself. You are accompanied. You are held. You are loved. The Holy Spirit is with you. The Spirit is near you. The Spirit is speaking to you. The Spirit says, "Come to me." The Spirit says, "You are safe here." The Spirit says, "This is not your father's house." This is the Father's house. In this house, you are welcome. You are known. You are loved. You are free.

"As many as received him, to them he gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in his name."John 1:12